I believe I have just written the greatest essay ever

I started on my History essay with no success whatsoever. Instead this was created. This actually made me laugh my ass off, which is extremely hard to do even to myself and I thought it was too good not to show you all. Plus I could do with bringing this blog back to life again.

DISCLAIMER
This is incredibly stupid and immature and an insult to all of creation, and this is my actual sense of humor. It differs so much from your own that you may explode in some way from reading it. Not really, but you have been warned. This is me effectively showing you what I enjoy thinking about. Mispelled words, grammatical train-wrecks and people eating things that would be physically impossible to be eaten. Like the sun. I am serious. The Sun is eaten quite a few times throughout this story. It also contains references to things you may not understand, but this may just make things funnier. I don't know, but if you get some kind of laughing sickness or go insane from reading this, it's not my fault, so there. Because I said so. You may also be offended by this. In which case, don't take it so seriously. I made this thing up as I went along and thought absolutely 0% of the time during it. You have still been warned.


oh god, I can't believe I'm doing this...


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WHY DID PRESIDENT JOHNSON SUMMON A GIANT ROBOT ARMY?!
by Ben Paddock, 17/10/10

Because he had no choice! The civilian hitler army was too much. They swarmed around him and invaded his personal space and made him feel uncomfortable with their dodgy looking mustaches. The po’ed white trash redneck republican Whitey McCrackerHonkey was threatening to drop 10000 terratons of nuclear weapons on top of his face and so he had to learn kung fu and become one bad dude to save the president which was himself because he is.

I think this is mean and he is supposed to be nice and wield justice and honor and rainbows and fluffy sheep but the damn politics told him that he needed more votes, and to get more votes he needed to be one bad dude. Damn. A politics is never the answer. Violence is slightly tastier. So anyway johnson pulled out his gottam gun and shooted at the north vietnamese for no apparent reason. This made the rednecks go daaaayum son, dat’s sum funkey shiz!!! And they gave him their votes so that Presient Johnson could not get nuclear weapons dropped on his face.

Whitey McCrackerHonkey got mad and rage-pressed the button that summoned seth, that god damn silver surfer impersonator except he was as annoying as the game rather than him in the game if that doesn’t make sense. Seth was a bitch to johnson and beat his ass up a bit and Whitey McCrackerHonkey laughed and said soup. This was freedomese for “f you” and so Johnson got mad and used his powers of a politics to transform into the sun. Whitey McCrackerHonkey died but seth laughed and was like “witness my limitless powah!!!111!!1” But Johnson pressed the power button on his Xbox erasing him from existence forever.

Ben sighed with relief because no longer would he get his ass ruthlessly kicked by that god damn seth. Then he turned the sun into a cheeseburger and ate it. Then everything died and Ben was like “shiz.” So he threw himself into the sun and died. Except the sun wasn’t there and so he ate himself. Wow, what a day he thought to himself and he removed pootis rendering the universe a lie. THE END
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There, you've seen it. You're probably insane now or will be avoiding me until the end of the next eternity, but hell, you asked for a new blog post since the end of the Summer holidays, and you've got it. I hope you enjoyed reading it at least a fraction of how I enjoyed writing it. I'll get back to work on the proper version of the essay and make a more serious post in a few weeks time when I have my head around what's been going on and what's worth blogging about. Till next time, my now mentally scarred fanbase. It has been fun.

A month and a week gone by. LOLZ. Plus this post is about nothing in particular so there.

*applies a defibriator unit to the Blog*

Blog... can you hear me? Blog, talk to me. Blog? Oh thank god. .............
How did being dead feel like? You know, just so I know the procedure, in case a car comes down Queensway a little too fast one unfortunate school afternoon... Oh never mind, that'll never happen.

After all, there's about two weeks left of the official school term and I don't intend to let my road sense get any sloppier. On that note, exams are coming (D=) and then the prom (=D) which I haven't done much preparing for (D=<) but then official civil freedom for about six weeks (=D) before Sixth Form pulls me back in (D=). Well, everything becomes voluntary after Secondary School so it's my own fault (¬.¬).

On THAT note (for reals this time, I won't stray from the point again I swear), there's a lot of work to be done in not a lot of time. Revision! Something I should be doing right now. But since I'm always trying to be as gentlemanly as possible to everyone (and unfortunately dismally fail at that for some people) I have applied a defib unit to the blog and have decided to give you more meaningless information about myself and very experimental humour whereas I don't even know whether you're laughing at it or not. Because I'm staring at my computer screen, and you're not there with me. It's kind of scary now that I think about it. But anyways DAMN, I STRAYED FROM THE POINT AGAIN. Oh well, if I hadn't said that you probably would have been too interested to notice, so BUGGER.

As you can tell I haven't really been thinking about anything in particular to Blog about. Just, current affairs. Just about nothing has really happened in my life that has crossed the "Interesting Enough To Blog About" border as of yet. Seems border patrol security there has been as water-tight as a mermaid's brassiere. But looks like with revision, exams and the end of year on the approach, that, probably makes it through.

So how's everyone doing with that stuff? As for me, the same applies with that at pretty much everything I might hear you talking about during breaks: "I Haven't An Awful Lot To Relate To On That Subject". Yeah, I've been pretty lazy with revision and prom arrangements, so BUGGER. Hopefully though I'll get my ass in gear at some point and throw enough at these matters to make it count and get some decent grades/social recognition as a splendidly interesting d00d.

Well, sitting here typing gibberish for half an hour won't get me either of those, so I'll call it a day for now. ...What? It's been about 38 days since I posted one of these so cut me some slack, I've gone a bit rusty. Plus with the whole "Not a Lot to Blog About Crisis in Blogtown" crisis in Blogtown, I believe I've done a satisfactory job in terms of typing stuff that is still kind of interesting. And amusting. ....Interestmusing?

Okay, that word is so interestmusing that it just got promoted to the Blog's new 'fficial catchphrase. That's my decision and you can't change it so there. But if you like it the GOOD. Play right into my hands....

Errr, eh? Oh, never mind. Cya.